


Contemplation

by elizabethprice



Series: Melodies and Memories [3]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Character Development, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, If You Squint - Freeform, Light-Hearted, Memory Related, Millenium Puzzle, One-Shot, POV First Person, Puzzleshipping, Relationship(s), Yami, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-20 17:53:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/890132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabethprice/pseuds/elizabethprice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Spirit of the Puzzle considers his existence, his purpose and his partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contemplation

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Contemplation  
> Genre: General/Friendship  
> Rating: K  
> Pairing(s): None  
> Summary: The Spirit of the Puzzle considers his existence, his purpose and his partner.  
> About: A small ficlet about the thoughts and feelings about Yami no Yuugi, from his mind, about his life, his future, his past, his friends, and his partner.  
> Notes: Non-AU, with no pairing, though you could squint for one if you wanted to. Post Duelist Kingdom arc.

My very own existence is a mystery to me. I suppose that can't be much of a surprise. After all, I'm a spirit who's been around for thousands of years with no recollection of who I am... was. I lost my memories. I have no idea how it happened, but it has. Yuugi had once joked that because I was so old my Alzheimer's had just eaten up every last thing I knew.

But it's more than that. I wasn't just sealed up in a puzzle for no reason. There  _has_ to be a reason, otherwise my existence means absolutely nothing. That's why I search. I roam the endless rooms and corridors of my mind, of the Puzzle, hoping to find something, anything really, that will give me the answers to my questions. But I know I will never find them. My mind and the Millenium Puzzle will forever keep them from me.

I pause my incessant wandering, and glance up at the empty passage in front of me. The feeling of déjà vu is so common to me I barely recognize it anymore. Every hallway, every room, every staircase looks the exact same as the last. The only thing that ever changes is the traps and what they'll lead to. My mind, the Puzzle, is possibly the most difficult game of "cat and mouse" ever to have existed. I am chasing my phantoms, my memories, and the Puzzle hides them away from me. To be perfectly honest, it's quite exhausting.

After a moment of indecision, I decide to take a break. I briefly brush against Yuugi's mind to make sure he's okay prior to leaning against the wall to my left and sliding down it. I pull my knees to my chest, cross my arms on top of them before leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

Sometimes, if I just sit and sit and wait until I am as close to unconsciousness as I can get, I can hear them. The ghosts of my past, the faces I've long forgotten but desperately want to remember. Sometimes the voices are happy, other times they are brimming with fear and alarm. But I can never help them. I can never see them. And I most certainly can never understand them.

It saddens me every time. I feel so lost having no sense of self. Who was I? Was I good? Was I bad? Was it I that made those voices frightened? Or was it I they were scared for? And better yet, who are they? Friends, family, strangers? What if I wanted to forget, and that's why I am here? What if my past was so dreadful I locked myself up to get away from it? Would I truly be so cowardly? What if who I am now is completely different from whom I was?

And then I'd always end up back at the beginning: who am I, what am I doing here, and  _do I truly want to know?_ The answers would elude me, and I'd get frustrated and angry before returning to feeling helpless.

Before I officially met Yuugi, I used to take my anger out on those who tried to hurt him. He was the only thing I knew – after all, I didn't even know  _myself_ – and I had to protect the one thing that seemed real to me in so long. And how dare they try to take it from me?

But Yuugi is not an 'it'. It took me so long to figure out that he was another person, another being, with thoughts and feelings. Sure, I could hear and feel them, but I didn't know what it was. Being in the darkness of a Puzzle was much like spending hours trapped and immersed in a tube of water without any food or light. Eventually, you'd start to lose all sense of touch, of feeling, and just like I did, sense of self. Because of this, emotions and feelings were intangible to me.

When Yuugi and I finally met, he was so much different from me. He cared for others' well being, even if they were the ones who hurt him. He cared for me. He still does, so much. When he offered me his memories… it was the most wonderful thing that I had ever witnessed. So selfless my partner is. He really is the complete opposite of me. I am selfish. Even though I promised Yuugi I'd stay with him forever, I still want to remember who I used to be. Even though he's given me himself in the most spiritual way, it still isn't enough. And because of this, every time he smiles at me I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart.

Because I will leave him, and therefore betray him. I do not know how I know this. I just know that no force in this world, no promise or willpower will stop us from separating. After all, I am merely a ghost myself. What's to stop me from disappearing? I was brought to Yuugi by pure incident – he had been upset and unconsciously started to complete the Puzzle. What would stop incident from taking me away? What's to stop  _him_ from ridding himself of me? He has his own life and cannot be expected to sacrifice himself every moment for someone he doesn't need.

And Yuugi doesn't need me. At least, not anymore. With his new friends he's become stronger and can stand on his own two feet. He can judge character and isn't nearly as naïve as he once was. He thinks it's because of me, but I haven't done anything that was completely for him and not for myself. I battled Pegasus, sure, but that had been more because he also held a Millenium item. Yuugi's grandfather wasn't the first thing on my mind. I have given him nothing.

A moment of brief self-loathing makes Yuugi push against my end of the link, a quiet murmur of  _what's wrong?_  Instead of replying right away, I sit and revel in the feeling of having him there, of knowing he's there and that, for now, he still wants me. I relax slightly in the presence of his mind and this reassures him enough that he turns back to the real world. And I, too, am reassured. Yuugi hasn't forgotten me. He hasn't started hating me or wanting me gone.

But god, what if Yuugi really  _does_ want to get rid of me sometime in the future? I really don't want to go back to the emptiness I was in before. I don't want to not feel or not think. And I most certainly do not want to forget the memories I have now. I don't want to forget Yuugi.

It's my greatest fear, and my greatest weakness. Forgetting. Because of the memories I have now with Yuugi and his friends I am someone. It's the greatest gift my partner has given me: myself. I may not be who I once was, but I am  _someone._  I am Yuugi's other half – even though I am unworthy of that title – and I have friends.

I suppose I am a living contradiction then, aren't I? I am no one yet I am someone. I have no past, yet I do. I have nothing yet I have everything. I have Yuugi. I have a future.

It's an enlightening thought, that. I can never disregard the voices of my past, but at the very least I know I have something now. My future is a dark highway paved in front of me, and while I walk down it with nothing to guide me, I somehow know it'll be alright.

I have Yuugi, after all, and he's my light, my hope, my salvation. I might leave, or he may stray, but for now he wants me. I have no purpose as of yet, but perhaps my little partner has one last gift to give me.

And I swear I'll spend eternity repaying him.

With that in my mind, I get back to my feet. A slight smile plays on my lips and I am ready to face the next level of this game. I head down the corridor again, determined and confident, much like Yuugi sees me. Because he believes in me, I believe in myself. I'll find my memories. I'll help Yuugi. And when I do leave, it will not be by force of fate or of hatred from my partner. I'll be going home.


End file.
